i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
My vagina is officially offended.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
