Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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