please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
