You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
