I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
it was like eating out sand paper
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
