the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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