just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just gift wrapped bread.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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