I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
