Moan for me like Helen Keller
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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