When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I could make wine with my vomit
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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