My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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