he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
