I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Randomize
