1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
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