I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
