You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Green mimosas i think yes
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
