everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
