I am spending my child support on dildos
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
