So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
