hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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