I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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