I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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