i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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