508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize