I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
