im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
