just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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