i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
My bed smells like the plague
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
