I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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