the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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