Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
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