I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize