apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
