I need help removing her.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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