but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
We're too hungover to prance.
as a side note pls kill me
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
