We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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