At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Randomize
