There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
