I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
