I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
