Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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