I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
