I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
