Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
