FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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