Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
