DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
