Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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