when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
