a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize