the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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