I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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