That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Damn victory sex feels great
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
