the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
