i jhust puked up my retainher.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
