if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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