you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
