Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
