Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
